(January 20-February 18)
Roses are red, violets are blue.
You might come into a great deal of money.
That’s all we’ve got for you…
(February 19-March 20)
While navigating the catch-22 of staying in to study or partying this weekend, consider the wise words of Wayne Gretzky – and Michael Scott – “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.”
(March 21-April 21)
The fall season has you feeling frenzied but the holidays are only getting started! Go take some anger out on a pile of crunchy leaves and get over it.
(April 22-May 20)
While the dissolution of a recent relationship has you feeling stuck, remember that sitting on the couch for five hours eating ice cream from the gallon isn’t moving you either.
(May 21-June 21)
The stars either say it’s time to cut your crew or get a crew cut – we’re going to let you decipher that one on your own.
(June 22-July 22)
You seem to be moving two steps forward, one step back… and then a slide to the left, slide to the right, criss-cross. Are these the lyrics to “Cha Cha Slide?” Yes. Are they also a perfect parallel to your love life? Yes.
(July 23-August 22)
On the brink of making a big decision, you find yourself wondering where to go. If you’re looking for something new, just take a lesson from autumn: Make like a tree and leaf!
(August 23- September 22)
A pumpkin spice latte in one hand, a peppermint mocha in another — like any Virgo, you’re desperate for some balance and caffeine.
(September 23-October 22)
Your procrastination will be the death of you… however, we recommend you worry about this tomorrow.
(October 23-November 21)
It’s okay to let your flaws show every now and then, Scorpio, but don’t, like, make it a habit.
(November 22-December 21)
As a society, we value authenticity but also shower praise upon Taco Bell, a completely inauthentic representation of Mexican cuisine. Discuss.
(December 22-January 19)
You’re the main character in the movie of your life but you’re also the usher who has to clean up the movie theater after.