(January 20-February 18)
It’s your birthday, Aquarius: you can slut-shame your ex’s new flex and get chocolate wasted if you want to.
(February 19-March 20)
Forget the work hard, play hard mentality, Pisces. The stars say to study hard and sleep long.
(March 21-April 21)
You may not have a Valentine this year, Aries, but the stars say there is a great deal of extra cheese and Netflix “next episodes” in your future.
(April 22-May 20)
You’re rockin’ that solo dolo swag this V-day, Taurus, and everyone knows your propensity to text your ex. Make this February 14 “Block Your Former Flames on Social Media Day.” Then eat an entire box of chocolates to celebrate.
(May 21-June 21)
Gemini, it’s high time you take inventory of your inner circle. This year, you have no time for fake friends. If you don’t slide into each other’s DMs on the daily and communicate chiefly through memes, it may be time to give ‘em the boot.
(June 22-July 22)
Cancer dudes are all about taking care of their lovers and being overly emotional. Flowers are overrated. This February 14, get your lady what she really wants — the hell out of her life. How romantic!
(July 23-August 22)
Valentine’s Day is around the corner, Leo, and you’re less than stoked about it. But don’t think of it as a day to celebrate love, think of it as the eve of one of the best days of the year—when the grocery store comes in clutch with that half-off candy steez.
(August 23-September 22)
Virgos are known for being reliable, but also have a cranky side to them. In the next few months, your friends will count on you, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be happy about it.
(September 23-October 22)
Looks like that Vitamix you got for Christmas still hasn’t been put to use, Libra. Once again, fried chicken and Oreos have eclipsed your desire to make healthy smoothies every day. #NoNewBlends
(October 23-November 21)
It’s only a few days into the semester, and you’re already prepared to skip Study Land and go straight to Margaritaville. The stars are right there with you.
(November 22-December 21)
Change is in the air, Sag, and you’re all about it. Just try not to get hit in the eye with a penny or nickel.
(December 22-January 19)
Capricorns are largely known for having no chill. If you use the word “fam” non-ironically, are constantly being accused of “doing the most” and being told to “simmer down,” you are a textbook Capricorn. Hey, at least you’re consistent.