*Totally Real* Horoscopes for February/March 2019


By Carson Mlnarik

(January 20-February 18)
As a new season approaches, now is the best time to do some spring cleaning – or at least bingewatch Marie Kondo’s Netflix show and organize your sock drawer.

(February 19-March 20)
It’s your season, Pisces, and you know what that means: a get-out-of-jail-free card to “blame it on the stars” anytime things don’t go your way.

(March 21-April 21)
It’s important to take time to process your feelings this month. Are you sad, mad or stressed? Or is it just seasonal allergies?

(April 22-May 20)
You’ve felt stressed lately, but worry not: spring break is just around the corner. Of course, the corner after that is finals week, but that’s for “future you” to worry about.

(May 21-June 21)
Your communication skills have been lacking lately but you’ve been looking good as hell, so no harm, no foul.

(June 22-July 22)
The stars have not been aligning for you lately, Cancer. Might we suggest jump-starting your fortune by getting pooped on by a pigeon? We’re no experts but it’s apparently good luck.

(July 23-August 22)
You’ve been feeling an urge to run lately, but with spring break looming and your finances looking low, listening to the Bruce Springsteen song on a treadmill might be your best option.

(August 23- September 22)
Do you ever feel like time is moving too quickly, communications blur too easily, and you don’t get to focus on what you love? Yeah, there should be an app for that.

(September 23-October 22)
Stay away from Geminis and McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes this season and you’ll be fine.

(October 23-November 21)
If something isn’t working, don’t be afraid to mix things up and try anew — whether it be a group project, friendship or an expired container of hummus in the fridge.

(November 22-December 21)
You should stop skipping class – if this horoscope isn’t working for you, pick any of the above, translate it to Spanish on Google and translate that back to English.

(December 22-January 19)
Don’t forget to wear green this St. Patrick’s Day — that’s honestly the best we can do at this time.


Comments are closed.