*Totally Real* Horoscopes for August 27, 2015

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Aquarius
January 20-February 18
Due to your unpredictable Aquarius nature, you’ll find yourself a bit off the beaten path. Luckily there are map kiosks placed all around campus, so you won’t have to look like a total noob for long.

Pisces
February 19-March 20
Despite knowing better, you’ll pet a cat’s tummy and get clawed up from head to toe. Be sure to tell the opposite sex you got your scars battling a mountain lion, not a house cat.

Aries
March 21-April 21
You’ve been feeling a little unsure of yourself in social situations, Aries, and other people are taking notice. They’ve also noticed that you’re a lot more tolerable when you’re drunk. We’re not saying you should always be drunk, but maybe just in situations that require you to speak? Think about it.

Taurus
April 22-May 20
The worst thing about being a Taurus (besides being named after an abomination of a car) is your tendency to be materialistic. Be sure to write down everything you buy this month to see what you really need. An iPad would be useful for this situation. Don’t have an iPad? Maybe it’s time to buy an iPad.

Gemini
May 21-June 21
Great news! Your crush will like your newly-single relationship status on Facebook. Helloooooooooo, nurse! Bad news? Your crush is still your ex. Sorry. 🙁

Cancer
June 22-July 22
That class might seem a little too difficult at the moment, but just give it some time and maybe embark on a little mass sabotage so you can take the class curve down with you. Why rise to the challenge when you can drag everyone else down?

Leo
July 23-August 22
So your new roommate might be a little bit of a weirdo, but have you ever thought that you’re the weirdo by not accepting that he’s sexually attracted to helicopters? College is about having an open mind, Leo, and now’s a good time to start.

Virgo
August 23-September 22
Virgo’s symbol is the virgin. But we know what you did last night, Virgo. We know. And we’re not sure why you needed to watch “The Big Bang Theory” to help.

Libra
September 23-October 22
Woah! You spot a hottie in the library, but it’s too quiet in there and everyone will hear you trying to chat them up. It’s probably best if you just look up their Facebook and stalk them that way. It’s far less creepy.

Scorpio
October 23-November 21
Now’s a good time to get out and stretch your artistic muscles! Fall arts season is among us, and it’s a great time to show your friends your collection of traced anime drawings. They probably won’t even know they’re traced.

Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
The full moon on August 29 might have you feeling a bit kooky, and that’s OK. Abnormal hair growth and blind rage is normal around the full moon. Buy some new razors and treat yourself to an at-home spa day! Just ask your roommate to lock your bedroom door from the outside for the safety of the community.

Capricorn
December 22-January 19
Call your mom. She misses you and has so many questions. Did you figure out the laundry machine? Do you need money? You’re not just eating Hot Pockets, are you? Are you making friends? Is the crippling student debt you’re accumulating worth it?

 

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