*Totally Real* Horoscopes for August 13, 2015

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Aquarius
January 20-February 18
This is the dawwwwning of the age of Aquarius, the age of Aquarius. Aquarius! Aquarius! Harmony and understanding, sympathy and trust abounding. No more falsehoods or derisions. Golden living, dreams of visions. Mystic crystal revelation and the mind’s true liberation. (You’ll drop your phone in the toilet. Way to go, butterfingers.)

Pisces
February 19-March 20
You’ll go out to a cool new restaurant and be torn between the fish and the chicken. You’ll remember that the friend you’re with still thinks you’re a vegetarian, so you’ll choose a salad, which won’t be nearly as good as the two meat options. Maybe it’s time to be honest with yourself, Pisces?

Aries
March 21-April 21
You consider yourself a Kim, but let’s face it, you’re probably more of a Kourtney most days. Oddly, these next two weeks will make you feel more like a Kendall. Werk it.

Taurus
April 22-May 20
Typical to your very Taurus-y lazy side, you’ll binge watch the entire new season of “Orange is the New Black” and then binge eat an entire pecan pie. Pecans don’t agree with you. You know that. So was it really worth it, Taurus? Just something to think about.

Gemini
May 21-June 21
Uh, so… this month does not hold great things for you. All we’re going to say is to triple check that the recipient of your texts is who you intend it to be. Also, you might want to get that discoloration checked out. It’s like… grey. That’s never a good sign.

Cancer
June 22-July 22
The new school year means new beginnings, except for you and that girl who rejected you at the end of last semester when you asked her out. You’ll have another class together. One of you has to drop the class now. Who will it be?

Leo
July 23-August 22
The new school year means new beginnings, except for you and the guy who awkwardly asked you out after breathing down your neck all last semester. You’ll have another class together. One of you has to drop the class now. Who will it be?

Virgo
August 23-September 22
You’ll likely experience some conflict during the month, which means you’re a normal human being that communicates with other human beings. Instead of talking to people, maybe just confide in your cat or whatever. The other people will probably appreciate it.

Libra
September 23-October 22
You’ll develop a new passion for the culinary arts, creative Libra. Over time, this will lead to a passion for elastic pants. But live it up for now! Hurray for trying new things!

Scorpio
October 23-November 21
While inebriated you’ll discover what you believe to be the next great idea in engineering and write it down in a frenzy. In the light of day it’ll look pretty stupid, so you’ll use that piece of paper to dispose of your gum.

Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
Jason will send you a vague text after not talking to you for, like, six months after that thing with Jennifer. Why is he acting so weird? Can he not call you like a normal person and talk it out? And what’s the deal with Jennifer anyway? She’s probably just jealous. Also, maybe watch your money this month or something. (Seriously, we don’t trust Jennifer.)

Capricorn
December 22-January 19
Try something new this month. A new TV show, a new movie—maybe even a new flavor of ice cream! Whatever you do, just stay inside. Dear God, just stay inside.

 

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