(January 20-February 18)
You’ve already been through a lot this year, Aquarius. You tend to roll your eyes every time someone gives you banal advice like “Don’t forget to breathe” and “Take it a step at a time.” But look at it this way: If you don’t, you’ll pass out and trip over your own feet.
(February 19-March 20)
A noble quest is in your future, Pisces. Whether it’s a walk of shame in the rain or a journey to get your wallet back from last night’s Uber, it will be successful.
(March 21-April 19)
You’ve been feeling anxious lately, Aries, but it’s time to relax. Things are looking up: gas prices, tuition, car insurance, Chicago Cubs tickets, rent, car accidents, political disparity…
(April 20-May 20)
New year, new you, Taurus. It’s time to push yourself to the limit — see how long you can go without doing your laundry or cleaning your room and living off a strict diet of Top Ramen and Easy Mac.
(May 21-June 21)
You’ve become a Post-It note prodigy, Gemini. Those masterpieces made of sticky yellow squares you display in your dorm window are impressive, but your newfound talent is hindering you from doing your history homework. At this point, however, your future as a Post-It artist is far brighter than a career as a historian.
(June 22-July 22)
Your love life is looking bleak these days, Cancer. With Valentine’s Day looming closer, you’re getting desperate for a date. Maybe all those eHarmony ads you’ve been seeing aren’t just a coincidence.
(July 23-August 22)
Your inability to sugarcoat anything has rendered you friendless. That’s what you get for being salty instead of sweet, Leo.
(August 23-September 22)
Your lifelong goal of being a professional billiards player is looking more and more like a pipe dream, Virgo. It was a dead giveaway when you shrieked in fear and vowed never to go swimming again when someone mentioned the term “pool shark.”
(September 23-October 22)
Libra, you’re often praised for militantly defending your beliefs. However, your dogged crusade to convince anyone and everyone that Samoas are better than Thin Mints is starting to get out of hand.
(October 23-November 21)
You may think your freedom is in jeopardy lately, Scorpio. But just remember you have the autonomy to pick a plethora of things: your friends, fights, flowers, your nose…the possibilities are endless.
(November 22-December 21)
Pay attention to your dreams this month, Sag. Will all your deepest, burning questions be subconsciously answered? No, but you’d be surprised at all the weird stuff your mind can come up with — especially if you eat a bunch of Oreos right before bed.
(December 22-January 19)
People find you abrasive, irreverent, stubborn and mildly cynical, Capricorn. Occasionally, people appreciate your bluntness and even more rarely appreciate (or understand) your sense of humor.