*Totally Real* Horoscopes December 2018/January 2019

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Aquarius

(January 20-February 18)

Mercury may be in retrograde but your bank account is in overdraft… should you really be worrying about what the stars are saying right now?

Pisces

(February 19-March 20)

This semester has put so much pressure on you, you’ve gone from coal to diamond. Rock and mineral jokes aside, it’s the season of giving, Pisces, so give yourself a break.

Aries

(March 21-April 21)

Even at your lowest of points, remember that you’re just a few adjustments away from making your life “work”… and only 10 stamps away from a free drink at Dutch Bros.

Taurus

(April 22-May 20)

With holiday shopping deals circling your inbox like sharks, it’s a good time to remind yourself that physical possessions do not necessarily equal happiness… but when bought at 40 percent off, it might be worth the effort.

Gemini

(May 21-June 21)

The winter is the perfect time to warm up your cold heart… only if you can get past rage-quitting when you burn your tongue on that first peppermint mocha of the season.

Cancer

(June 22-July 22)

Cuffing season is the perfect time to find that certain special… recipe for spiked hot chocolate and binge-watch holiday episodes of Glee by yourself.

Leo

(July 23-August 22)

Let these words of wisdom carry you through the coming weeks: The longer you procrastinate buying your family’s gifts, the more expensive that Amazon shipping cost is going to be. Time to spring on Prime?

Virgo

(August 23- September 22)

Holidays can be hard, especially when comparing the wistful nostalgia of asking for LEGOs when you’re 10 years old and dish soap, towels and toilet paper at 19. Still though, that “ish” is expensive and your mom has always had great taste in two-ply.

Libra

(September 23-October 22)

In the midst of this busy season, one can easily feel passed over but remember, Libra, you’re never alone when your Spotify Discover playlist knows you better than you do.

Scorpio

(October 23-November 21)

During this season of giving, don’t forget to make time for those who matter most: the professors who have not yet posted their grades!

Sagittarius

(November 22-December 21)

You may find the holidays take on a new meaning after your most recent birthday. If so, you need to calm down, drama queen – it’s only been one year!

Capricorn

(December 22-January 19)

The winter is your season, Capricorn. It’s time to shine like the pale gray, layered sweater, flannel-wearing fairy you are – or stay inside because that’s what everyone else is doing.

Words by Carson Mlnarik.

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