*Totally Real* Horoscopes August 2018

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Aquarius
(January 20-February 18)
Take the new semester to make more purposeful connections. Maybe it’s with a crush or a respectable professor or maybe it’s just with a mobile hot spot because the campus Wi-Fi is so bad.

Pisces
(February 19-March 20)
With a new start upon you, take time to reevaluate your commitments — your friends, your family, your grades, your desire to binge all of Orange is the New Black before school starts. Some things may have to go but if you’re at season six, episode 12, don’t stop now!

Aries
(March 21-April 21)
Adding a little bit of color to your life might be the spice you didn’t know you were looking for. Sorry, that was two metaphors in one… not quite sure what we were going for there.

Taurus
(April 22-May 20)
If you’ve been feeling like lately you’re stuck in a cycle, unable to go further on your journey, might we suggest trying Soul Cycle? It’s a lot more credible than a horoscope and there might be a Groupon.

Gemini
(May 21-June 21)
The stars predict your sleep schedule will soon become unaligned and your metaphysical intake of caffeine will increase rapidly. Hmm… wonder why that could be?

Cancer
(June 22-July 22)
You’ve got an eye for decoration and are itching to go all HGTV on your new place. Make sure to watch out for any roommates or neighbor’s toes, however. It doesn’t take much too turn some friendly Property Brothers action into full-on Dance Moms.

Leo
(July 23-August 22)
This horoscope qualifies as a note for an excused absence from class because said Leo has been working hard and the stars say they need a break. P.S.: Let us know if this works!

Virgo
(August 23- September 22)
Take advantage of the semester’s start to get ahead on your grades while you can. You don’t want your GPA to put the “fall” in “fall semester,” again.

Libra
(September 23-October 22)
Sometimes opportunity knocks where you least expect it… and sometimes it plays ding-dong ditch. Don’t be afraid to take your time to get to the door.

Scorpio
(October 23-November 21)
Drop your guard in a relationship, drop it at the club or drop your dough on your Amazon wishlist. Whatever you’re doing is working, Scorpio, and you deserve some recognition for that.

Sagittarius
(November 22-December 21)
Your social star is buzzing. If you’ve ever wanted to expand your circle or succeed in a pyramid scheme, now is the time!

Capricorn
(December 22-January 19)
Romance is in the air…or is it just the smell of Raising Canes’ chicken? Either way, make sure your wants aren’t bigger than your needs and you don’t get crispy too easily.

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