The 6 worst things about ‘Fifty Shades’

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I won’t deny it—I loved “Fifty Shades of Grey.” The books, that is. I read all three of them in about five minutes just because I couldn’t put them down.

That being said, it depresses me to say that I was severely disappointed with the movie. What is there to say? That the lines copied and pasted from the book just didn’t sound the same coming from Jamie Dornan? Or that the entire theater burst into hysterical laughter once the final scene ended? Or that Dakota Johnson and her bubbly personality and hilariously awkward responses to Dornan in the movie were really the only thing that saved it? Don’t worry—I’ve got a whole list for you as to what exactly it was that pissed me off about “Fifty Shades of Grey” the movie.

Zero spark
That’s right. Zero. In the books, the second Ana and Christian step into an elevator together, there’s a palpable electric current between the two. This wasn’t even existent in the film. In fact, it almost felt like the two kind of hated each other. Talk about disheartening.

The trailer led me on
I mean, how can you not have high expectations when Beyoncé is cooing a sexual version of “Crazy in Love” at in the trailer as Ana and Christian are sucking face in the elevator with Ana’s arms pinned above her head?

Glorified emotional abuse
Yup, I said it. It’s been a theme amongst people protesting the film for months now, and at first I thought it was silly, given that it’s not at all the theme of the books. But once I saw the movie and the way Christian was shown toying with Ana’s emotions, I finally understood what they meant and how it was portrayed so very wrong.

Christian comes off as super creepy
Christian Grey is supposed to be the most eligible bachelor in Seattle with rugged good looks, incredible charm and a net worth of billions. While the billions still exist, his charm instead comes off as creepy and stalkerish, especially when Ana is at work in Portland. As she turns a corner, BOOM! Christian’s there, all the way from Seattle, staring at her.

It was boring
I hate having to say that, but it’s just true. Perhaps it’s because in the books there is so much more room for explanation. On screen, you only have two hours, which meant the depth of their relationship was sort of glossed over. To say that bringing the intensity of their relationship to life isn’t possible would be a lie—to those who disagree, I will humbly refer you to “The Notebook,” or any other film that has characters who you can tell are deeply in love. In “Fifty Shades,” it didn’t happen.

Jamie Dornan just wasn’t Christian
Another thing I hate having to say. The character of Christian was the one thing they absolutely had to get right, and with Dornan, they just didn’t. Perhaps it’s because he isn’t the universal image of every woman’s “dream guy,” or maybe because I could tell his Irish accent was trying so very hard to peek out behind his every word. He just wasn’t Christian, and it made me sad.

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