Bernie Thinks…

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A totally real column totally written By Bernie Sanders. *Totally…

Hello, young person.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been a young person. In 73 years I have gone from not cool (if you ask Boris, the neighborhood bully from my youth in Brooklyn), to cool (if you consider fighting for gender and racial equality “cool”), to not cool, to cool again (especially if you ask the neckbeards at Reddit these days.)

Today I am asking for your support. Today I am asking for you to feel the Bern. I am a senator from Vermont running for president as a Democrat against Hill-dog Millionaire. I am not a millionaire. I am one of the nation’s poorest senators at a net worth of a mere $330,507. But what I do have is moxie, so now I’m here to answer your questions.

What’s that? You want me to remark on the fact that Clinton gets hundred-dollar haircuts? No can do, kiddo. I’m running for president and how people spend their personal fortune is none
of my business.

Personally I just kind of let my hair get blown out by the wind.Typically a comb does a good job at ripping off the ends of my hair, rendering haircuts a totally superfluous expense. I spend about
as much on my hair as I do pedicures for my pet raptor. (Get it!? I’m old!) How do you think I’ve amassed my fortune? It’s not by being pretty, kid!

Oh, great. Now you want me to talk about #blacklivesmatter. I think my track record has shown that I think black lives matter. Hey, by the way, can you tell me what the pound sign in front of all that does? I’ve been trying to get active on those Twitters but hitting pound on my phone does nothing.

Listen, can we get back to the real issues at hand? I have some pretty radical ideas, like that college tuition should be affordable and that women deserve to be paid the same as men. But there I go getting my head in the clouds again!

Bernie Sanders

*OK, fine. Not totally.

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